Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
