There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am puke
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
