Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub