I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS