True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
