theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
