Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
