saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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