Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
