Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
