Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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