he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
