my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
