Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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