News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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