No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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