A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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