I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
