he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
