I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
