I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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