Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
