I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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