I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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