Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
false alarm. still invincible.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
