I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
