Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
