your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
