First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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