last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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