I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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