Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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