Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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