It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
