are you still at the devil's house?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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