If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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