I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
