Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
God I need to hump something, right now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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