I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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