I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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