This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
