tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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