He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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