I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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