I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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