totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
