Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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