I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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