Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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