My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
