She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
