It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
