NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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