my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
