Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
