i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
