My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
